The Tired Nurse
Father of Patient 1:
You will need some chocolate milk, a mop, a hammer, a latex glove filled with ketchup, a clean glove, a cleaver, a nurse’s outfit and a cushion.
(Patient 1 and his / her father are walking into the hospital; Patients 2 & 3 and the nurse are seated inside the hospital. Patient 2 has his feet up on a chair.)
Patient 1 to Father: Daddy, I don’t want to go to the hospital.
Father: Don’t worry, Son. I will be with you the whole time.
Nurse: What do you want?
Father: Umm, we want to see the doctor please. My son is vomiting. (While the father is saying this, the son takes a mouthful of chocolate milk.)
(Son spits out chocolate milk onto the floor.)
Nurse: Uugh, sit over there. And you Sir, you clean up this mess.
(Nurse hands father a mop.)
Father: But Nurse, I have to take care of my son.
Nurse: Well, look at what your son did; clean it up.
(Father starts mopping.)
(Patients 2 and 3 talk at the same time)
Patient 2 nagging: Nurse, my feet hurt. When will I see the doctor?
Patient 3 nagging: Nurse, I have a cut on my finger; I want to see the doctor.
Nurse (screaming): Will you just wait? Why are you all so frustrating? I’m tired of this and I haven’t eaten. It’s Christmas. Why do I have to work?
(Nurse walks over to Patient 2)
Nurse: Now what is wrong with your foot?
Patient 2: My foot hurts, Nurse.
(Nurse hits Patient 2’s foot with a hammer.)
Nurse: Now is that better! Is that better!!!
Patient 2: Owww! Owww! My foot! Oh my god!!!
(Nurse walks over to Patient 3)
Nurse: Now, what’s wrong with you?
Patient 3: Oh, nothing. Nothing, Nurse. It’s just a little cut; I’m sure it’ll be okay.
Nurse: Let me see it.
(She grabs hand of Patient 3 which is the ketchup-filled glove. Nurse takes the cleaver and cuts the glove. Patient 3 screams and shakes the glove so the ketchup falls on the floor.)
Nurse: Oh, stop your crying.
Patient 1: Dad, look at what the nurse did!!! I want to go home!!!
Father: Oh come on. His foot was already injured when we got here. She's helping him.
Nurse to Father: We have no more medicine to stop vomiting. You have to go any buy some.
Patient 1: No, no, Dad don't leave me! I just wish Santa Claus was
Nurse: What did you say? There is NO Santa Claus boy.
Father: Don't worry, son, I'll be back in five minutes. There's a pharmacy downstairs.
Patient 1: No, no.
(Father leaves and Patient 1 starts crying.)
Nurse to Patient 1: Now, what's wrong with you?
Patient 1: Nothing, I just want to see Santa Claus.
(Nurse has back turned to doorway and Santa Claus enters.)
Nurse: How many times do I have to tell you there is no Santa Claus.
Santa Claus: Ho, ho, ho. Merry Christmas. Now what have we here - a tired nurse. Here you are, Nurse, a cup of hot coffee. I promise you
will never have to work on Christmas anymore.
Nurse: Oh!!! Santa Claus! Oh, thank you so much. That makes me feel so much better.
Santa Claus to Patient 2: And for you, here's a cushion to rest your
(Santa Claus takes the pillow used to enhance his belly out and hands
it to Patient 2.)
Patient 2: Oh, thank you so much Santa Claus, that feels so
Santa Claus to Patient 3: And for you, here's a new and improved hand.
(Santa Claus hands Patient 3 a new hand.)
Patient 3: Oh, thank you Santa Claus. This hand is much better than my old one.
Santa Claus to Patient 1: And here you are, son. Eat this medicine and you'll be better in two minutes.
Patient 1: I'm so happy to see you Santa Claus. You are the best.
Santa Claus: Ho, ho, ho, Merry Christmas.
Everyone: Merry Christmas Santa Claus.
(Santa Claus exits.
Father: See, son, I told you I wouldn't be long.
Patient 1: Oh, Dad, Santa Claus was here. He made everything better. Now, we're all happy.
Father: Oh, son, don't talk rubbish. There is no Santa Claus. If you're feeling better, let's go home.